I've been noticing some disturbing irregularities in my bank statements over the last several months, and it has nothing to do with Mugubu Otunga of Cameroon who keeps asking for my account numbers in order to expedite some "immediate business opportunity."

No, my missing money is being stolen by.... AMERICANS!!!! They have been using seized Iraqi assets and my own personal petty cash stockpiles stuffed into the walls of my palaces to pay for such worthless things as hospital supplies, humanitarian needs, road repairs, and bringing power plants back on line! How outrageous is that?!?! The Americans have been doing this in order to circumvent their own bureaucratic hurdles.

Need I point out yet AGAIN that my roads did not have potholes until a certain unnamed world superpower started dropping 1,000 pound bombs on them? So why in Allah's name am I the one getting billed for the damage? Needless to say, I am so outraged that I'm sputtering, and now I have spit all over the inside of my windshield.

You can bet your sweet bippy that I'm keeping track of every last penny that has been stolen from me. And when the time comes, I'll expect Misters Bush and Rumsfeld to sit down with my accountants from Arthur Andersen and work out a repayment plan.