Saturday, April 24, 2004

I see that my former Minister of Irony, Alanis Morissette, is back in the news. She appeared at a Canadian concert wearing nothing but an anatomically correct bodysuit. She did this to protest America's strict censorship crackdown in wake of the Janet Jackson breast incident.

Why she chose to do this in Canada is beyond me, however. I always thought that Canada and the United States were two separate countries, with two separate sets of laws, but perhaps I was mistaken.

Now some of you may wonder why I even need a "Minister of Irony." Well, the English language and its various concepts is very difficult to learn, especially for someone like me who grew up in a frikkin' desert. Indeed, I have almost as much trouble mastering English as George Bush does.

So I hired Alanis to help learn not only the language, but also the uniquely American idea of "irony." And I think I'm slowly getting the hang of it.

For example, I used to foolishly think that finding only forks when what you're really looking is a stupid spoon was merely indicative of a poorly organized silverware drawer. Little did I realize that's it is actually a prime example of irony!! By the way, let me give you a little tip: If you ever have Yasser Arafat over for dinner, count your silverware afterwards. That fat weasel loves stealing those little shrimp forks for some reason.

Or rain on your wedding day? Just bad luck and a good excuse to go out and slaughter some innocent weather forecasters, right? No, not at all!! It's actually irony!!

And you might think that invading a sovereign nation because it is supposedly full of weapons of mass destruction--and then not finding a single one--is indicative of faulty intelligence, wouldn't you? No, you silly, stupid, foolish infidel! It's actually irony!!!!

Those are her real nipples, by the way.