Sunday, June 13, 2004

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

I'm rather shocked that my ex-wife Jennifer Lopez turned around and married this Marc Anthony fellow. Isn't he kind of old for her? I mean, wasn't this guy a friend of Julius Caesar?

Besides, she and I went out on a date just a couple of weeks ago and we had talked about getting back together after my current, um, "legal difficulties" are cleared up.

What? You're surprised the guards would let me do that? Well, of course they wouldn't, you idiot of an infidel. I'm facing charges of.... Wait.... Exactly what charges am I facing? No one's really been able to explain that to me. It's not like I had any weapons of mass destruction. And I'm not the one who went off half-cocked and invaded another country looking for them, thereby pissing 90% of the civilized world after declaring I would go it alone, and then went back and told them it's their duty to get my singed ass out of the frying pan. After all, what world leader could possibly be that stupid?

Still, there's no denying the fact that I'm in a jail cell. Well, most of the time.

A couple of weeks ago I took my life size inflatable Britney Spears doll, stuck it in my bed, and covered it with blankets so it would look like I was actually there sleeping. Then I crawled up through the ceiling and shimmied through a ventilation shaft to the outside. Afterwards, I met JLo at little cafe around the corner. We had dinner, talked a while about her career and my own future plans. Then we went out to a show.

It was a magnificent production of Andrew Lloyd Habib's musical "Camels." Kind of a weird storyline, though. Something about different kinds of camels, and they all sing about their lives.

But the best part comes at the end. That's when Old Deuteronomy, the magical three hump camel, dramatically descends from the heavens to pick one other camel to go back with him. Then all the other remaining camels come back out and sing the finale. It's all quite lavish and moving.

Admittedly, I don't quite get the story. It's probably symbolic of something or another, like maybe they're ascending to paradise and there's 72 camel virgins up there. Who knows? I'm not very good with literary symbols and allegories and crap like that.

Hell, I still think "Moby Dick" was about a whale.... And I'll torture anyone who tells me otherwise.