My good buddy Michael Moore has truly outdone himself this time. His Fahrenheit 911 has broken a number of box office records, and already become the highest grossing general release documentary in the history of infidel movies.

Additionally, it also had the highest ever opening totals for a movie released to fewer than 1000 screens, and the third highest per screen gross of any movie this year. The only two that did better were Passion of the Christ and Shrek 2. Then again, I suppose it would have bordered on blasphemy if he had beaten out the infidel's lord and savior.... Not to mention that green cartoon guy.

Needless to say, I am ecstatic that so many Americans have been flocking to see this woeful tale of how I was the defenseless target of scurrilous falsehoods!! In fact, I'm so happy that I would love to give Michael a great big completely non-sexual manly hug!!! Of course, that's out of the question. He has the girth of a pregnant camel, and there's just no way my arms could ever reach around him.

And the movie is certainly stirring up emotions! I heard that in New York, a crowd of Bush bashers leaving Fahrenheit 911 ran into a crowd of Clinton bashers protesting outside a bookstore. Tempers flared, words were exchanged, and fists flew. And you'll never guess who won!

Ralph Nader!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! I'm pretty funny for a bloodthirsty despot, aren't I? And I say that only because I know you're laughing so hard that you fell out of your chair and knocked over your printer stand on the way down.

Otherwise, if you're NOT laughing, I'll just have to come over there and shoot you.