The Pentagon is denying allegations that I'm being abused.

Don't listen to their lies!!! Conditions in here are terrible. Oh, I don't mind them pointing at my genitals; in fact that makes me feel quite special. But my actual living conditions are awful. For example, my toilet seat is plastic! Can you believe that?!?

I have told the International Red Cross that I deserve a solid gold seat, but I'm willing to settle for brass if the United States can't afford gold. After all, this occupation is costing them billions every month. So far my pleas have fallen on deaf ears.

And I still don't have a DVD player with a matching flatscreen HDTV monitor in my cell. Every now and then the guards will wheel a mono VHS player up to my celldoor, but that's about it.

My conjugal visits are severely limited, almost to the limits of human endurance. I mean, I'm sorry if I'm being overly demanding here, but once a day just is not going to cut it.

Oh, and then there's the issue of internet access. The Americans refuse to let me have a computer because they're afraid I might make fun of Rumsfeld.

Nonsense!!! I would never ever do such a thing!! In fact, I am in total awe of his intellect, which is quite impressive for a retard. After all, Rummy is the principle architect of the brilliantly executed postwar occupation of Iraq.

Oh, and did I mention that the computer should have broadband access? Cable or DSL, I'm not particular. But the point is that I'm a busy man, and I don't have time to be sitting around playing with myself while some lousy dialup service downloads my porn.

On the other hand, I suppose that's the point!