Friday, July 02, 2004

Did you see me in court today? Did I look good, or what? Quite a few people commented that I looked like I had lost weight, but that shouldn't have surprised anyone. Prison food is almost as bad as hospital food. Besides, all that constant climbing up into the ceiling and crawling back and forth to the general's office keeps me in pretty good shape.

I was up late working on my statement. Did you like the part where I said Bush was the criminal? HA!! I guess the foot's on the other shoe now, isn't it!?! Just wait till I call Bush to the stand!! Without Cheney in the room!!!!!

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

I was surprised to see that fat f*ck Ahmed Chalabi in the courtroom. As many of you may recall, he's the one who fed the United States all that "intelligence" about my weapons of mass destruction. And apparently no one in the US thought to wonder how a guy who hadn't lived in Iraq for 40 years was getting all this information.

Then last month Chalabi was caught supplying the Iranians with secrets about the Americans. I thought he would have been locked up for that, but I guess not.

Anyway, when I came down from the stand, Chalabi's back was turned, so I grabbed his briefcase. No one saw me slip it down the front of my pants, and I was able to bring it back with me to my cell where I pried it open.

I was hoping to find all sorts of top secret stuff about the case against me, or maybe more evidence that Chalabi was feeding the Iranians intelligence. Then I could have used that to force a plea bargain.

Instead I found something like 500 Snickers bars, and a bunch of women's underwear! And I'm pretty sure they're his women's underwear, because the things are the size of parachutes. And that's really not all that surprising when you look at that pile of Snickers.

Anyway, I ended up negotiating a sweet deal with my guards and traded the candy bars for one of those combo TV/VCR things! Of course, I didn't mention the part where they were in a briefcase next to women's underwear worn by a 300 pound male member of the Governing Council.

The TV, unfortunately, is only a small portable, and it's not even HDTV, but I'll worry about that at my next court appearance.

In the meantime, I'm going back to my cell to watch my favorite show, Terrorist Eye for the Infidel Guy.

Not that I have any links to them, of course....