As you've probably heard, the Infidel States of America has Washington, New York, and Newark, New Jersey under a Code Orange terror alert. You know what I find wildly amusing about this? If Bush hadn't wasted all that time--and all those resources--invading Iraq and chasing me around, they probably would have caught bin Laden by now!!! After all, he's the guy who killed who killed 3000 Americans on 9/11, not me!

That's the sad truth about the present situation: If bin Laden had been the one caught last December, the current Code Orange alert would not have been necessary and--even more importantly--I'd be sipping cognac next to my pool in Tikrit. Instead I'm sitting in a jail cell in Qatar sipping rancid water next to a metal toilet while guards walk by and point at my genitals.

With admiration, no doubt.

And why is Newark on that list of potential targets? I mean, who the hell would want to attack frikkin' Newark!?!?! How would you even tell the difference afterwards!?!?!