Thursday, January 20, 2005

Well, things here in Iraq are certainly looking up.... For the insurgency, I mean. Attacks on poll workers are up, kidnappings are up, and car bombings are up. If things were any more up, the place would explode like a nuclear bomb!

Er, not that we have any of those, which we don't. We never did. Got that? No nuclear bombs here. If you want nukes, you need to look next door in IraN. They're the guys who spell their country's name with an "N" instead of a "Q."

But I digress.... The closer Iraq gets to the elections, the more dangerous it becomes. And what exactly is the point of having them? The vast majority of the people will be afraid to go to the polls. And those the brave fools do decide to cast a ballot won't have a clue of who they're voting for. That's because most of the candidates have been afraid to campaign, or even give their names! So no one even knows who's running!

Plus the people that do show up are going to have to park a mile away since no one will be able to park near the polling places. No one wants to walk that far to vote, only to then get back to your car to discover it's now a smoldering pile of twisted scrap metal because you parked next to a truck bomb! Do you have any idea what all these suicide bombers are doing to car insurance rates in Baghdad? Believe me, you don't want to know.

This election is just way too complicated to succeed. At least when I was running things, and it came time for elections, you knew exactly who to vote for: ME!! I was the only name on the ballot, so people didn't have to worry about complicated choices or the candidates' positions on stuff like social security and the arctic wildlife refuge. One choice and one vote: what could be simpler than that?

Ah, the good old days....