I have on several occasions talked about the inferiority of democracy. Some of you, I'm sure, have disagreed with me. And if I knew who you were, I would personally come to your house and yank out your toenails one by one.

But alas, I don't. That's one problem with the anonymity of the internet.

I bring this up only because there has another colossal failure of democracy. I am referring, of course, to the American Idol fiasco. In case you've been living under Iraq--er, I mean under a rock--and missed the story, here's what happened: During Monday night's episode, Fox TV showed the wrong phone numbers to call to vote for each individual contestant! I should also note that Fox TV is run by the same group of morons that run Fox News, which explains a lot (More on those nimrods tomorrow).

And the worst part of it is that we can't blame Simon for the mess.

How the hell can you screw up something so major as American Idol!?!?! I mean, fine, it's okay if the United States screws up its presidential elections. It's not like those things matter. But American Idol!?!?!?! When the selection of a winner can effect every single infidel living in that country!?!?! This is shocking, and only serves to further demonstrate how fragile democracies are to the winsome whims of the fickle finger of fate.

We despots are big on alliteration....

Rest assured I would never have tolerated this type of mistake on Iraqi Idol. On the other hand, because I was running the damn thing, we didn't have to worry about voting, either.