Charles Duelfer, the Central Infidel Agency's top weapons of mass destruction inspector in Iraq, has submitted his final report. You remember that phrase, "weapons of mass destruction," don't you? That was the Bush Administrations FIRST reason for going to war. It wasn't until that one didn't pan out that they started coming out with that nonsense about spreading democracy and transforming the Middle East.

Duelfer's report concludes that any WMD's I may have had once upon a time were destroyed shortly after the FIRST Gulf War in compliance with U.N. resolutions.

Now isn't that what I had been saying all along? But did anyone believe ol' Saddam? N-O-O-O-o-o-o-o-O-O-O-O-!!!!!!!! Hey, let me clue you people in on something: Just because a man is a brutal despot who kills his own citizens and loots his country's riches does NOT necessarily mean he's also a liar!

Duelfer goes on to say that his inspection team of 1,000 infidels also failed to turn up any evidence that my WMD's were shipped out of the country to Syria.

So that's it then. This total and utter failure to find any evidence of WMD's undoubtedly means that I will be released later today.

Let me go pack my toothbrush.