Sunday, April 10, 2005

Since yesterday was the second anniversary of the so-called "Fall of Baghdad," I felt I should say a few words on the topic....

First of all, Baghdad did not "fall." It merely underwent a temporary "transfer of custodianship." Got that?

That said, I have to add that I'm marking the occasion by drinking this alcohol I found in the General's refrigerator. The bottle is labelled "specimen," and while I admit I've never heard of that brand before, it's quite good. I've only had a couple of sips, and already I've got one hell of a buzz going!!

Meanwhile, tens of thousands of Shiites marked the occasion by demonstrating in the streets of Baghdad and demanding that the United States leave. HAHAHAHA!!!!! Now that's gratitude for you!! The Americans saved their sorry butts from me, and they're repaying the debt by telling their saviors to go the f*ck home!

I hate to admit it, but for once I agree with those damn Shiites.

The other great piece of news I just got is out of Kirkuk. The Kurds pretty well control the place, and now they're talking about seceding from the rest of Iraq. But since they have 9 million barrels of oil reserves in the area, no one wants to see that happen. Even worse, minority groups in the city feel that they are deliberately being shut out of the local councils by the Kurds.

But enough talk about politics. It's time I congratulated that big eared infidel Prince Charles on his wedding to Camilla Parker Bowles. Forget all that crap about divorces, broken marriages, and the fact that the two of them are cousins. What's important is that they are happy, and love one another.... Even if they are commiting incest.

People make some very cruel remarks about Camilla's looks, and I feel that is totally uncalled for. A person's exterior appearance, however nauseating, can easily mask the goodness and beauty that lies on the inside.

I should know. You see, years ago, I carried on a longstanding torrid love affair with Bowles identical twin sister, Camela Parker Bowles. In fact, this romance is what led to the breakup of several of my marriages. Even though she dumped me for good when I became involved with the Dixie Chicks, I still always treasure the oh-so-sweet memories of our years together.

And even though I sit here in prison, stripped of most of my worldly possesions, I still have the one item I cherish more than all my palaces, more than the billions of dollars I looted from my country, more than my dreams of dominance of the middle east, more than my solid gold toilet seats, more than my non-existent weapons of mass destruction, and more than anything else on Earth. Yes, I still carry a single snapshot of my beloved Camela in my wallet: