Another rumor has surfaced that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is wounded. This one, however, comes directly from his organization, Iraq Qaida or whatever the hell they call themselves.

Well, good. I hope he dies.

What? You're surprised I feel that way? Well, you shouldn't be. While I appreciate his hard work in trying to convince the Americans to go home, the fact is that he has failed so far.

Even more importantly, I have to question his motives. If he's in the business solely for the purpose of returning me to power, hey, I would love him like the son I never had. Um, actually, now that I think about it, I used to have a couple, didn't I?

Whatever.

The more I have watched Zarqawi in action, the more convinced I have become that he really doesn't give a camel's ass about me. His campaign to drive America out of the middle east is all about him. He wants to create an Islamic theocracy in Iraq.... As opposed to the Christian theocracy taking shape in the United States under the Republicans.

But here's what REALLY gets me: Do you have any idea how many Iraqis he's killed? Thousands upon thousands. Every time one of them car bombs goes off, it's mostly my citizens he's killing, not those pesky invaders! That imbecile is targeting the wrong damn people!! What a freakin' moron!!

And quite frankly, that makes me jealous as hell. I'm the only one who should be allowed to kill Iraqis!