First off, let me welcome all of you who found me through various search engines by typing in "Saddam in his underwear" or some such term. Do your parents know what you little demons are doing on the computer? At any rate, I am genuinely flattered that you're so interested in checking out my, er, "package." Let me assure you that normally it is far more impressive, except that I had just taken a cold shower. And I don't think I need to explain how quickly cold water can turn an impressive ten foot one-eyed trouser cobra into a tiny two inch worm.

You're probably wondering where those photos came from. Well, remember last weekend when Condoleezza Rice paid that surprise visit to Baghdad? Officially she was in town to meet with the troops and boost their morale, as well as meeting with members of the new Iraqi government and asking if they prefer pine coffins or oak.

Unofficially, however, she came to meet with me and discuss terms of surrender. I told her there was nothing to discuss. I would accept nothing less than an unconditional surrender from Bush and Rumsfeld.

At that point I had to cut the meeting short. Rice was wearing that Darth Vader hooker outfit of hers, and the blood was rushing from my head to my head, if you catch my drift.

So I hit the shower for some relief and ended up, um, "servicing myself" while in there. By the time I finished and came out to get dressed, I figured she had left. Then the next thing I know, I start seeing these damn flashes. I look up, and there's the American Secretary of State with one of those little disposable cameras snapping pictures of me in my underwear!!! And I think all of you know how humiliating that can be!

But after thinking about it, I decided it was nothing to worry about. In fact, I kept assuming various poses for her. I figured that like most women, she just needed those photos to keep her company through those long lonely nights in foreign hotel rooms. No harm in that, right? Then the next thing I know, the damn pictures are on the front pages of The Sun and the New York Post!!

Now I know how Paris Hilton felt.