Tuesday, May 17, 2005

I never thought I would be forced into such a situation, but here goes: I apologize.

I realize that many of you stinkin' infidels have come to rely on me as your major source of unbiased, factual news and intelligent, insightful commentary. I take this responsibility very, very seriously, and that is why you have come to trust that if I say something, well by gosh, it must be true. You can trust me when I say I would never, ever make anything up, or seek to intentionally mislead you.

Unfortunately, I am currently in a situation in which I find it difficult if not impossible to independently verify facts. That is why I often rely on outside, supposedly respected new organizations. Occasionally, however, the system breaks down.

The other day I posted an entry about how interrogators at the Guantanamo Bay prison flushed a copy of the Koran down a toilet. This was reported as fact by Newsweek magazine. This story touched off several days of rioting in a number of Muslim countries and even led to 16 deaths among protesters in Afghanistan. Personally I don't see what the big deal is about 16 deaths, but some people get upset over that sort of thing. Then again, I used to wipe out entire villages at a time, so perhaps I'm just used to quantity discounts.

Yesterday Newsweek admitted that it was unable to verify they item, and they have now officially retracted the story.

Excuse me? How the hell do you make a mistake like that!?!?! That's almost as stupid as invading a sovereign nation on the basis of bad intelligence!!

The people at Newsweek are promising that "heads will roll."

What a colossal load of camel crap!!!! Don't believe them when they say that!! Sure, people may be reprimanded, and someone may even be fired. But it's a safe bet that you're not going to see any actual heads rolling across the newsroom floor. And that is precisely why the American press can't be trusted: They are never executed for their mistakes. They resign, then go on to make millions by writing a book on how they screwed up! That is why when my Ministry of Information said something, you could sure as hell accept it as being true.

Oh, and I continue to stick by my account of what happened to that Harry Potter book.