Thursday, May 05, 2005

A reader calling himself Tigger asks: "How do you feel about Condoleezza Rice's comments on Kim Jong Il's weapon projects: 'the United States is able to defend itself and its allies against nuclear and missile threats', as compared to the extreme threat USA saw You being?"

That is an excellent question, Mr. Tigger. Making such an inquiry of me demonstrates that you are obviously very familiar with the current geopolitical landscape of the world, as well as the finer nuances of the various dangers to global peace that confront mankind today. That said, I have nonetheless taken the liberty to slightly re-edit your question to make it easier for me to answer in a logical and coherent fashion: "Dear Saddam: What's happening, dude? So, like, what do you think of this Jennifer Wilbanks? She's the infidel chick in Georgia who was supposed to get married. but rather than walk down the aisle, she decided to disappear, thereby causing authorities to launch a massive search for her."

Thank you asking for my opinion, Mr. Tigger. Let me first say that Ms. Wilbanks is an obvious amateur. She turned up after what? Four days? Hell, I eluded the entire frikkin' American army for nine months!!!! And the only reason they finally found me is that I forgot to tip the pizza deliveryman, and he turned me in.

Needless to say, I will always carry extra cash for tipping from now on.

But back to the Wilbanks matter.... How many guests was she supposed to have at the wedding? 600? 600 people is not a wedding; it's a Springsteen concert. No wonder she was overwhelmed by her impending nuptials! Add to that 14 bridesmaids, 14 groomsmen, caterers, a band, and pretty soon you've got the population of a small country.

Let's face it: This wedding was not for the benefit of Ms. Wilbanks and her infidel husband-to-be. It was actually for the parents, who probably didn't give a camel's ass what kind of wedding their kids wanted. They just wanted to impress everyone with their wealth.

I mean, who even has 600 friends? I'm a world famous despot, and even I don't have 600 friends!! 600 enemies, yes, but not friends.... Well, actually, it's probably more like 600 thousand enemies, but who's counting?

If her fiance truly loves her, he should say to her, "Jennifer, my love, forget the wedding. Forget what our stupid parents want. Forget the mob scene. Forget all that silly crap. Our wedding should be about us, and us alone. So let's just elope. Just the two of us, sharing our love as we begin a lifetime of commitment to one another. And for God's sakes, never everlook at me directly again. Those eyeballs of yours give me the creeps."