Sometimes the guards ask me, "Hey, Saddam, aren't you worried about your upcoming trial?" Then they throw water balloons at me.

And the sopping wet answer to that is that no, I'm not the least bit concerned. In fact, the prosecution's case is falling apart even as I write this! Originally they were going to try me on something like 500 counts, ranging from mass murder to torture to violations of human rights by the thousands to jaywalking.

But now the prosecution's case is down to only 12 counts, and the most serious of those is parking my tank at an expired meter. A little further legal maneuvering, and my team of lawyers should be able to get that dropped as well. Or, in a worst case scenario, I may end up having to do 15 hours of community service.

Meanwhile, we're preparing our own civil suit against the United States. I'm seeking 3.5 trillion dollars in pain and suffering.

Seriously, my neck hurts. The doctors tell me it's from stress brought on by having my good name disparaged.

Plus, my dick burns when I pee, but that may be from something else.