Loyal reader, trusted advisor, noted legal scholar, and mangy infidel dog Tung Yin writes: "Saddam, I am very worried for you about your having been indicted. Will you get a fair trial in front of a jury of your peers? (Well, you don't have any peers, but that Kim Jong-Il guy will do. And Osama. Who else?)"

First of all, let me say that I hardly consider Osama one of my so-called "peers." Aside from the fact that I have NO meaningful ties with Al Qaeda, Osama's never even ruled a country!! Hell, in fact no country will even admit to having him!! Quite frankly, Osama is nothing more than a pathetic homeless man, the kind who would normally be hanging around outside the subway with a tin cup if he didn't keep trying to blow the thing up. So please, Mr. Yin, never again refer to him and me in the same sentence. Such comparisons offend me, and I don't think I need to remind you what happens to people who offend me.

As for Kim, I was hoping he could be on my jury, but he was excused because he's self-employed and busy selling nuclear warheads on the international black market. Taking time off would have seriously impaired his income and led to mass starvation among his citizens.... though I personally don't see what difference serving or not serving on my jury would make in that regard.

As far as the trial itself is concerned, rest assured that I have studied the recent Michael Jackson proceedings very carefully and have mapped out my strategy in great detail. I don't want to give too much away, but don't be surprised if I show up one day in my pajama bottoms.

By the way, I was considering utilizing your legal expertise. After all, I still need to hire someone to carry my umbrella. But after reading this entry on your site, I'm no longer sure: "Stupid Sears. We bought a new dishwasher, which came with a mail-in rebate equal to the delivery charge. So I dutifully filled out the rebate form and mailed it in. Several weeks later, we received a check for the right amount. Only it was made out to someone who had my first name (misspelled) and my wife's last name. . . . Should I even try to cash the check, or do I have to wade through the interminable bureaucracy to get a corrected check sent out?"

How shall I put this delicately...? YOU'RE THE LAWYER, for crying out loud!!!! So why in Allah's name are you asking your readers for advice?

Don't make me reconsider my decision to hire you as my umbrella carrier.