The people running my trial are so screwed up that it's downright hilarious. It's like a bad Saturday Night Live skit.... Or is the term "bad Saturday Night Live skit" redundant?

Anyway, the judges had us sitting around for four hours waiting for proceedings to begin, then they abruptly canceled it until Sunday! They claim it's because a number of witnesses and lawyers are on their pilgrimage to Mecca, but I think that excuse is nothing but a colossal load of camel crap. The fact is they're scared of getting killed. And that's certainly understandable, considering that a number of people associated with my trial have met premature and untimely deaths.

The judges should be ashamed of themselves, for they are making a mockery of Iraq's legal system. Back when I was in charge, we didn't have these kinds of embarrassing problems with our courts.

And the reason was quite simple: We didn't bother with trials.