Well, well, well.... While everyone's been busy concentrating on little ol' innocent me, look who just popped up again: The guy who killed the 3,000 people on 9/11! Yes, Osama has released another audiotape, this one threatening fresh attacks against the United States if Bush doesn't withdraw from Iraq.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I really, really, really don't need Osama's help! I've got the Americans right where I want them, and I don't need that idiot moving in and mucking things up. Besides, the lunatics at Fox News will only use this as further "proof" that bin Laden and I have "meaningful ties."

As I have said before, nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I don't even wear ties! You've seen those pictures of me at my court appearances, right? Was I wearing ties in any of them? No! Of course not! No terrorist ties here! no sirree!

And aside from that one night of passion on Brokeback Mountain, the two of us have never even met.