Well, the Olympics have finally wrapped up. I followed the games pretty closely, which really shouldn't surprise anyone. After all, I've had a lot of free time on my hands lately.

The only complaint I really have is about the cheerleaders. At first I couldn't figure why I was so disappointed in them, and then it finally dawned on me: They're wearing w-a-a-y to many clothes! I mean, if you're going to get a crowd worked up, you have to show some skin, for crying out loud! With all the stuff these women were wearing, they'd almost have been acceptable to Osama.... Or at least I think they would have been acceptable to him. I don't really know for sure since we haven't discussed it. After all, we have no meaningful ties.

On the other hand, my favorite story to com out of these games was the American skier Bode Miller. He went to Turin with a really cocky attitude, acting like he was some sort of hot shit who was going to show everyone how great he is. So what happens? He screws up most of his runs and ends up winning zero medals. But is he humbled by his repeated failures? Does he apologize for disappointing his fans? No, of course not. In fact, he ends up telling a reporter "I'm comfortable with what I've accomplished."

Kind of sounds like Bush, doesn't he?

I also loved that little soap opera between the Italian dancers, Barbara Fusar Poli and Maurizio Margaglio. In case you missed what was arguably the most memorable moment in these Olympics, the two had almost finished their routine when Margaglio slipped and sent Poli sliding across the ice. The mistake cost them dearly in terms of points from the judges. But the best part was yet to come as the woman started staring daggers at the poor guy. In fact, the temperature in the entire arena dropped by seven degrees.

Even the next night, as they were getting ready to go back out on the ice, the two could be seen not speaking to one another. As I'm sure Margaglio learned the hard way, it's never a good idea to piss off a woman.

My favorite part of the Winter Olympics has always been the women's figure skating competition. No, it's not that I'm into ice skating, you idiot. It's those little skimpy outfits they wear, with their skirts flying up, and their butts hanging out as they glide backwards across the ice! Little Saddam always quadruples in size when watching that.

Anyway, I've decided that once I return to power, I'm going to launch a bid for Iraq to host the 2014 winter games. Granted, we don't get a whole lot of snow around here, but sand will work almost as well. Oh, and you don't have to worry about sand melting in these times of global warming.

I know that NBC was disappointed with the ratings for the Olympics. Apparently many Americans just weren't that interested. But I already have a great idea to make Iraq's 2014 games the most watched in history: I'm going to add a lesbian ice dancing competition! Every guy in the world--except for those two that keep sneaking up Brokeback Mountain--will want to tune in for that!! And these will be good-looking lesbians, the kind that actually look like women and even shave their armpits!

And if this idea doesn't get me out of jail, I don't know what will.