Thursday, February 27, 2003

Did you see me on 60 Minutes II? I thought I looked pretty spiffy in that suit. One of my wives helped me pick it out. I welcomed this opportunity to speak directly to the American people. I'm sure many of them were surprised to learn that I captured 100% of the vote when I was reelected last year. Granted, it wasn't easy to pull that off, and the piles of bodies behind the polling places did begin to stink after a couple of days, but I am nonetheless quite proud of this accomplishment. And, most importantly, it was a clean election, free of controversy, and devoid of any hanging chads.... Plenty of hanging dissidents, but that's neither here nor there at the moment.

No doubt I convinced many more of your influential Hollywood types to speak out against the war. I'm sure that the political opinions of such respected thinkers as Alec Baldwin and Adam Sandler carry great weight with the average American.

My proposal to debate Mr. Bush is entirely serious. I would take the position that Miller Lite tastes great. He, of course, would stupidly argue that it's less filling. We would go back and forth on this matter several times, and eventually end up mudwrestling in our underwear.

Indeed, this could be a model for the settling of future international conflicts not just between our two countries, but ALL the nations of the world.