One of the very few things I like about the United States is their free press. They can print whatever they want, and the President is powerless to have them executed.



What the hell kind of President is THAT?



And sometimes this free press prints things that are incredibly helpful to me. For example, USAToday has published an article outlining their military's plans for waging war on my poor, impoverished nation. Why, I myself have been reduced to making do with a mere 17 grand palaces. We can barely afford to pay our nuclear physicists.... Um, I mean, IF we had nuclear physicists, THEN we could barely afford to pay them.... Anyway, these published plans have proven to be immensely helpful in the planning of my defenses.



My spies, on the other hand, have proven to be worthless. Every time we send someone over there, they defect!! Then I'm forced to kill their wives, children, parents, in-laws, nephews, cousins, and paperboys. Then what happens? I get yelled at by human rights groups! It's just not fair.



Anyway, they defect and get jobs in America driving cabs, or working in something called a "7-11," or serving as HMO primary caregivers. These treacherous SOB's claim that such menial jobs are somehow better than the wide array of career paths available to them here, such as working as an (alleged) poison gas tester, or operating a (make-believe) nuclear reactor, or, most respected of all, a job artificially inseminating camels.



Why would anyone want to live any place else?