I have been up all night looking for my mustard gas, but for the life of me, I can't remember where I put it.

I know I had ten tons of it a couple of weeks ago. That's when it was hidden in Mosul. Then I ordered it moved to Baqubah, and when the UN inspectors started snooping around there, it was supposed to be moved to Kirkuk. But according to IraqEx, it was shipped to Tikrit by mistake. From there it supposedly went to Bayji, but no one in Bayji remembers signing for it.

I've been calling IraqiExpress, but no one's answering the phone. I think the cowardly bastards have all fled to Jordan.

Sometimes it's lonely at the top.