My son Uday is not looking too good. I have had propped him up in a chair in the corner ever since we dug him out from under the 50 tons of collapsed concrete and steel. I had to use a bicycle pump to reinflate his body, which actually worked better than I expected. But now he just sits there. I talk to him, but he won't answer.

One of my cabinet aids, Abdullah, said that's because Uday has been dead since that initial missile strike Thursday morning. I thanked Abdullah for volunteering his opinion, then shot him. I don't need negative vibes like that. Not at a time like this.

On the bright side, I have just been informed that we have captured some POW's. See? I'm feeling better already.