Monday, March 24, 2003

Once I emerge triumphant from the current brouhaha, I'm going to need a new cabinet. Most of the members of the old one are still buried in the rubble of my command bunker. And since it's obvious that it was a highly placed spy that gave away my location last Thursday morning, I'll have to execute not only the surviving cabinet members, but everyone else I know. Then I'll execute everyone they know, and then I'll execute everyone THEY know. It's kind of a three degrees of Kevin Bacon thing, if you know what I mean.

Consequently, I remain on the lookout for new, potential cabinet ministers. Prior experience is not necessary, since I'll be making all the decisions myself. What is required, however, is a shared hatred of the United States, its system of government, and all that its flag represents.

That's why I tuned in to the Academy Awards show last night. Where else can one find a greater concentration of America bashers than in Hollywood? Outside of Paris, I mean.

And I was not disappointed! The man who most caught my attention was Michael Moore when he won for best documentary. Okay, that's a stupid category, and the man looks like a homeless goat, but I found his acceptance speech both moving and inspirational. He referred to Bush as a "fictional President" and called the current conflict a "fictional war." From where I'm cowering, it doesn't look TOO fictional at the moment, but it's the thought that counts. By the time he finished, I was openly weeping tears of joy. I don't normally show such emotion in front of my closest aids, but they'll soon be dead, so who cares?

When the time comes to rebuild Iraq, I shall name Mr. Moore my Minister of Propaganda. Of course, he will have to shave and get a haircut first.....