A Bruce S. writes: Is it true that in a secret deal your former Minister of Information, Mohammed Saeed Al Sahaf, has agreed to represent Scott Peterson in his upcoming trial for murdering his wife and unborn son?

Thank you, Bruce, for inquiring about Mo. And for anyone who just crawled out from under Iraq and is not familiar with him, my Minister of Information was the calm, reassuring voice of reason while the invading cowardly mongrels snuck up on us in the dead of night and took up TEMPORARY residence in Baghdad. Really, we were as surprised to see the whites of their beady little eyes as everyone else. Oh, and if any of you happen to run into Mo, tell him I said thanks for a job well done, and that I'm ready to release his family.

Now back to the question at hand.... Mohammed, the last I heard, was working as a journalist for the widely respected Weekly World News while he awaits his wife and five kids to join him. Oops, I mean four kids. Better make that three kids. I meant TWO kids. One? Okay, so while he awaits his wife to join him. Uh-oh..... Anyway, Mohammed is working as a journalist while he enjoys his newly achieved bachelorhood.

There was a rumor that he was well hung, but I wouldn't know about that. Really. Well, there was that ONE time, but we were both drunk, and I honestly don't remember anything that may happened prior to waking up in his arms.

Though quite well-educateded, and fluent in Farsi, Urdu, English, German, Russian, Baldfaced Lying, and Spanish, he does not have any sort of law background.

Besides, Mr. Scott Peterson will NOT be needing legal representation much longer. I will soon be taking over the newly formed United States of Saddam, and most lawyers will find themselves out of a job. Perhaps they can do something productive with their lives for a change, like get jobs at 7-11's or as cabdrivers. After all, the people currently in those positions will soon be getting high level government jobs under the Saddam administration.

As to Mr. Peterson: I will carefully review the facts of the case, determine exactly what he did to his wife, and then devise a similar but much slower method of execution for him, all the while taking extreme care to maximize his pain.

You gotta admit my system of justice is, at times, much more appealing than what you have now.