I have begun offering the equivalent of $5,000 to any Iraqi man, woman, child, or family goat, who destroys a coalition tank or armored personnel carrier. This is a win-win deal for me. First of all, it will be one less piece of enemy hardware tearing up the well maintained streets of Baghdad. Or at least they WERE well maintained, until all the damn bomb craters started showing up. The bad ones can really screw up the front end alignment of your camel, you know.

More importantly, chances are that the attacker won't live long enough to collect the reward, so I won't have to actually pay out any money.

Coalition personnel are not eligible for this incentive program. With all the damn friendly fire incidents they've been having, I'd go broke in no time flat....