Saturday, April 19, 2003

A joebeckner, obviously an anal retentive infidel, writes: With the bombing and all, how does a respectable despot keep up his moustache maintenance? I mean, no power for your moustache trimmer, darkness in the bunker, etc., it must be hell on your personal grooming regimen.

Most people would probably find such a question offensive and much too intrusive. Not I, however. I can certainly understand why the little people, such as Mr. Beckner, would want grooming tips from someone far superior to their own worthless selves.

Let me first say that I take great pride in my personal hygeine. Even during the summer, when it's 120 degrees in the shade and I engage in repeated hot, sweaty camel sex every few hours, I routinely bathe every couple of weeks.

A reliable anti perspirant is also a must for when I venture out among my adoring populace. Having a giant sweat stain in my armpit as I wave benovelently would not look good on Al-Jazeera.

Proper dental care is of paramount importance as well. Having a piece of lettuce stuck in my teeth as I smile warmly at a crowd of loyal but mostly uneducated followers with the equivalent of a second grade education would probably gross people out. That is why I brush after every meal. Keeping my fangs filed down also requires routine attention.

Now I realize you asked about my mustache, but that is only a minor pixel of a much bigger picture. Whether desperately fleeing through the desert for one's life or frantically clawing your way out of a fifty ton pile of smoldering rubble that used to be an impenetrable command bunker, maintaining an overall aura of defiant invincibility is of the utmost importance.

This is something I wish all young people would understand: Whether preparing a propaganda film to be shown on Arab TV or going in for a job interview, maintaining a crisp, professional appearance is always important. And the constant prescence of a holstered gun on your hip always helps with those lasting first impressions.

As to your original question about my mustache: I have a rechargelable electric razor. Perhaps some day such a convenience will be introduced in America.