Bruce S. writes about a site offering dolls--um, "action figures"--of my former Minister of Information: Looks like Mo and some of your companions signed a sweet marketing deal. Although they make a talking version of Al Sahaf and not you.

An excellent observation, Bruce, and one that highlights your intellectual inferioririoty.... Inferiorness.... Inferier.... Your dumbness.

There ar a number of reasons my doll--er, "action figure"--doesn't speak. First, it is being marketed with infidel American consumers who will soon be burning in hell in mind.... Except for Michael Moore and the Dixie Chicks, of course, who will eventually be rewarded with virgins. Not sure how the virgin thing will work with the Dixie Chicks, though. It could just 72 virgins that three of them will have to share among themselves, OR it might actually be 3 X 72 virgins, which equals, um, a lot. At any rate, you can bet I'll be hiding a webcam in THAT bedroom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Michael Moore, though, can have all the privacy he wants. I have NO desire to see his fat naked butt parading across my moniter.

Where was I? Oh, right, dolls--I mean "action figures...." Anyway, the reason my doll--um, "action figure"--doesn't talk is that I DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH, you ninny!! I mean, I'm sure you spend hours each day watching the same inspiring news footage of me over and over and over, right? I said, RIGHT?!?! And every time you see me gesturing wildly, flapping my arms like an epileptic chicken, aren't I always ranting in Arabic? Has it occured to you that perhaps there is a good that you've never heard me rant in English? Has it also occurred to you that perhaps there is a good reason you always hear TRANSLATORS talking on my behalf?

So if you want to hear my doll--um, "action figure"--talk, you'll have to buy the optional translator doll--um, "action figure"--for an additional $39.95, plus shipping & handling.