When I finally do take over the United States and move into the White House, one of my first orders of business will be to auction off that old presidential limo on eBay and replace it with something better suited to me, like an SUV. Now I know that many people hate those things, and for a while some people opposed to SUV's were asking "What would Jesus drive?" Their argument is that the son of their god would NOT drive an SUV because they are harmful to the environment.



So what!?!? I mean, if his dad really is God, he can just make a brand new environment if the old one gets screwed up, right? Am I the only one thinking logically here, or what?



Besides, the REAL question for me is: "What would Allah drive?" And the answer is obvious: A Porsche Cayenne. That's right, the world's top manufacturer of four wheeled chick magnets has come out with an SUV!! And they are beautiful!!



But they are also in high demand, and I expect that dealerships are pricing them accordingly. And I think all you know how much I hate negotiating. Doesn't matter if it's about forbidden weapons or new car financing, I just hate negotiating.

It's a vile ritual, but one I'm willing to do in the case of the Cayenne. But so help me: If the salesman tells me he needs to go check with "My sales manager," and he comes back with some guy in a loud checkered sports jacket, and they start beating up on me to buy the rustproofing for an extra $1500, I'll shoot the both of them right there in the middle of the showroom. Rustproofing, my ass. You don't try to scam a scammer. At least not when he's a heavily armed homicidal maniac.



I just hope they come in my favorite color, Desert Sand.