People sometimes ask me, "Saddam, how do you propose to defeat your enemies? You are hopelessly outnumbered, and your top officials are being rounded up one by one. Are you mad? Off your medication? Insane with grief over the death of your son Uday, whose eyeball you continue to carry around in your pocket?"

Those are all very good points, indeed. And not to worry: It is all part of my master plan, as is today's arrest of Abid Hamid Mahmud, my personal secretary and most trusted aid. The best part is that the Americans now have over half the people included in their stupid deck of 55 cards.

"How is this good news, Saddam?" you ask. "Are you still coming? I have sold all my Celine Dionne CD's and bought the entire Dixie Chicks catalog in anticipation of your arrival."

Quite simple, actually. I'm infiltrating the enemy from within!! When enough of my people are captured, they shall take over the American hordes from within. Hell, the number of Iraqi prisoners in custody now is almost greater than the number of invading tresspassers! So my plan is obviously sound!

On cue, they will all ask to use the bathroom facilities simultaneously. Then, when the Americans are busy mopping up their bathrooms because everyone flushed at the same time, we'll make our move.

So that's what I tell the people that ask me about my plans. Then I pull out a gun and shoot them for having the unf*ckingbelievable audacity to doubt me in the first place!!

Any more questions?