Friday, July 25, 2003

The Americans continue to be surprised by the increasing level of resistance to their illegal occupation of Iraq, and the ongoing loyalty many of the fighters have towards me. And I'm sure that while the martyrdom of my sons was pleasing to a teeny tiny minority of Iraqis who do not value their lives and wish to die horrible/painful/ghastly/grisly deaths, the fact remains that the fight is not over.

Of course the fighters remain devoted to me. They know how how foolish it would be to do otherwise. Until this recent unscheduled and rather rudely imposed "vacation," I had been firmly in control of this land for almost 30 years. My people realize this, and they don't want any silly American-style democracy. After all, most of them are too poor to be eligible for tax cuts anyway.

The point is, they know I'll be back.... And looking to start a new family, but that's beside the point. When I return to power I will be taking names and checking my list to see who's been naughty and who's been loyal--kind of like a really pissed off, gun-toting Santa.

And when I return, I will go right down that naughty list and heads will roll. And I don't mean "heads will roll" in a traditional corporate type sense, with pink slips and severance checks, as people quietly pack up their cubicles and remove the Dilbert strips taped to their walls.

No, I mean heads will roll LITERALLY, bouncing down the steps, out the door, across the sidewalk, and right down the street, eventually clogging the storm drains. That's actually okay, because we live in a frikkin' desert, so who cares if the storm drains are blocked with severed numbskulls? Not me.

Nothing inspires loyalty like fear and uncertainty.