I have decided that I need my own theme song. You know, something that will play in the background whenever I walk into a room.

I got the idea from recently watching the Star Wars trilogy again. You may recall that in the last two films of the series (Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi) Darth Vader had his own special theme that would blare forth from the screen in glorious chest-thumping Dolby Digital Surround Sound whenever he appeared on the screen.

And I already see you squirming in your seats, getting ready to correct me. Before you do so, and thus sentence yourselves to a slow, hideous death brought on by the systematic removal of non-essential body parts, let me say that I am aware of the existence of the movies Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. However, those are nothing more than wortheless pieces of crap, and are NOT worthy of the Star Wars name. I strongly suspect that the ORIGINAL George Lucas, who made the original and ACTUAL Star Wars trilogy, was at some point replaced by an inferior alien pod version. At least that's the only logical explanation I can come up with for the existence of Phantom Menace and Clones.

Rest assured that when I take over America and create United States of Saddam, I will get to the bottom of what's going on. Hopefully I will able to do so before the next alleged Star Wars installment comes out.

Anyway, my theme song..... You will recall that Darth Vader's personal theme was quite sinister sounding. That is certainly appropriate to his persona. And quite frankly, that is the most important aspect of personal theme music: It has to be appropriate to the person it is associated with.

That is why my personal theme song will be the Bee Gees' Staying Alive. However, I will dispense with the white polyester suit. I have already inked the deal, and under the terms of the contract, I just have to pay the surviving Gibb brothers a nickel every time I elude capture.

As of noon today, I owe them $137,687.35.