People have asked me, "So Saddam, when you take over the United States, and you first set foot in your capital of Saddam, DC, what will you say to the American people? Assuming, of course, your head doesn't explode first from trying to contain your enormous ego?"

Well, I've been thinking about that. And I've decided to go with John Carpenter's words from the movie They Live: "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubblegum." I've always been fond of that line.

But my more immediate concern is my '73 Vega. It's developed some transmission problems and died on me earlier just outside Tikrit. If it weren't an inanimate object incapable of feeling my wrath, I would have shot the sorry SOB piece of crap for betraying me like that.

Anyway, I caught a ride from a passing illegal occupying force patrol and had them drop me off at a small farm in Adwar. I'm hiding there now, in a cleverly disguised seven foot deep spider hole. No way those idiot Americans will find me here!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Hold on. Someone's at the door. I wonder who that could be at this hour? HOLY SH