The American appointed Iraqi Governing Council of Infidel Controlled Puppets wants to create a special court to try me and my top officials--well, the ones still alive, anyway--on charges of genocide and crimes against humanity.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm still not clear on what exactly I'm guilty of. I mean, the whole reason for this current mess the United States finds itself in was to eliminate my (alleged) weapons of mass destruction. Well, when they couldn't find any, suddenly the reason became establishing democracy and ending oppression.

Oh, be-have!!! I'm dictator, for crying out loud! Oppression is in the job description, for Allah's sake! Seriously, have you ever heard of a non-oppressive dictator? No, of course not!! There's no such thing!! I mean, that's almost as funny as the absurd idea of establishing a thriving oasis of democracy and freedom in the heart of the middle east! It goes against the very laws of nature.

In fact, wasn't it Isaac Newton who laid out the fundamental governing principles of the Universe?
1) The first law of thermodynamics says that energy can be neither created nor destroyed. It can only be converted from one form to another.
2) This one says that heat can never transfer from a colder object to a warmer object. Therefore all natural processes involving the transfer of energy can only take place in one direction.
3) If you remove all the thermal energy contained in molecules, you achieve a state known as absolute zero. This occurs at 0 degrees Kelvin, -273.15 Celsius, and -459 Fahrenheit.
4) The speed of light is an absolute, despite the science of Star Trek.
5) There is no way in hell democracy can ever survive in the middle east.

Besides, as I've said before, freedom is overrated. Most muslim societies have been oppressed for so long that they would have no idea how to be "free." Islam and freedom are self-exclusive. Just ask Osama. Or for that matter, ask America's buddies in Saudi Arabia.

All this talk by Bush saying that I'm evil is motivated by nothing more than jealousy. Seriously, do you think for one second that if Bush thought he could get away with it, he wouldn't torture Michael Moore or cut off Al Franken's testicles? Of course he would!! And he'd also put a stop to that stupid election next year!

But, of course, he can't. And so when he sees someone like me who can inflict massive physical pain on opponents at will, and not have to bother with pesky periodic election campaigns, Bush turns green with envy! And the fact that the Republicans' constant attempts to convert America into a Christian theocracy keep bumping into that Constitution thing is probably sticking in his craw as well.

Besides, the members of that court are going to look kind of silly trying to hold a gavel with no opposable thumbs.