----------Walt Handelsman, New York Newsday

Uh-oh. The Shiites are revolting. Hell, that's nothing new. I've long found the Shiites revolting. That's why I kept gassing 'em! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I mean, for the entire time I was in power--I mean, ever since I came to power (technically, I AM still the President of Iraq, and anytime President Bush decides he's ready to negotiate his terms of surrender, I'm ready to listen) I've had it in for the Shiites. I've slaughtered them by the thousands, over and over, throughout my rule. I've oppressed them, gassed them, imprisoned them, and made their loved ones disappear.

And you know why?

Because even I need a hobby, and I just couldn't get into model trains.

It's those damn Shiite clerics, you know. They're all a bunch of whackos. And the sad thing is, whatever they say, their followers will immediately believe them without question.

It's kind of like Rush Limbaugh and his followers.

But my point is that the Shiites should be thankful to the Americans. Instead, they're clamoring for the Americans to hurry up and get out of Iraq.

Well, at least the Americans have finally gotten the Sunnis and the Shiites to agree on something!!