Monday, May 24, 2004

Faithful follower and noted infidel legal scholar Tung Yin writes: Hey Saddam, I realize that you aren't really running an advice column, but I figure that until those French lawyers get you acquitted ("if you can't find the poison gas, you've gotta give Saddam a pass"), you don't have too many better things to do. . . .

So here's my question: you know how that one former General of yours is now running Fallujah under a deal with the U.S. er, infidel Marines? Do you consider him to be a traitor to your cause, or is he a secret mole working against the foolish Americans?

Well, first of all, Mr. Yin, thank you for writing. It's always good to hear from my American followers, even if you people do have a predisposition for piling naked men on top of one another and pointing at their genitals. So I'm sure you'll understand if I ask you to keep your distance....

Secondly, I like your poem. That's very, very catchy! It's much better than that piece of crap Johnny Cochran auditioned with:

"So he gassed the Kurds,
They're just a bunch of turds.
And so he killed a bunch of Shiites,
Every last one of them bites.
If you value your life,
You must acquit."

I mean, what the hell was that?!?! The man has definitely lost a step or two since the O.J. trial.

At any rate, while I'm grateful for your offer of legal assistance--as well as all the other offers from around the world that have been pouring in--I don't think I'll be fine.

First of all, who's going to try me? Iraq has no government! Talk about not having any controlling legal authority!!! And anyone who dares to cooperate with the Americans automatically becomes a target!
Granted, they were going to form some sort of seven person tribunal to try me, but that bright idea has gone straight down the toilet. That tribunal was supposed to be headed by that fat pig Chalabi, but now his own butt is in the frying pan because he was caught passing secrets to the Iranians!!!

Besides, I would have gotten off on a technicality: By definition, a tribunal can only have three people! Am I right or am I right? Of course I'm right!!!

Now if they were going to form a septbunal, THEN I might have something to worry about....

As to your inquiry about Fallujah: That was a victory for my forces, pure and simple. The Americans surrendered the city and withdrew. They can call it "a deal" in order to save face, but everyone knows it was a victory for us. Perhaps not in a classic military sense, but in the court of Arab public opinion, we came out triumphant in that one.

Oh, and congratulations on the recent birth of your son. You once asked if I had any parenting advice for you, but I became distracted when I heard a guard coming down the hall. About the only advice I can give you is to love him, cherish him, and let him play with the controls in the torture chamber whenever you have a victim in there. Now some people may say you're spoiling them by doing that, but don't listen to them. In fact, stuff them into the torture chamber for daring to question your technique.

That's how I raised Uday and Qusay, and they turned out okay!