Thursday, May 06, 2004

In the latest news from Najaf, Moqtada Sadr is threatening to have his followers launch suicide attacks if American troops enter the city.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Sure.

Have you ever noticed how these guys--and I have to include Osama as well as the leaders of Hamas in this--are always telling OTHER people to go on suicide missions? If it's such a glorious way to die, why aren't they leading the charge themselves? I mean, yeah, sure, I convinced some of my own followers to go martyr themselves, but you'll notice I was hiding in a spider hole at the time. I haven't lived this long by being stupid, you know.

And if there's one thing I hate, it's being the victim of someone else's bad intelligence.

Even more importantly, what's the big deal with the 72 virgins? I mean, I've had my share of them, and quite frankly, it gets old. You're constantly have to explain what goes where, and then they're asking if you really love them, and then you're having to explain that "blowing" is just an expression!

That's why I'm sticking with the Dixie Chicks. 'Blowing' is much more than just an expression to them, if you catch my drift.

But let's say that you are, in fact, the kind of guy who's into virgins. And so you go blow yourself up, along with a few dozen jews. And so you end up in paradise and there's your 72 virgins. So far you're thinking, hey, this is pretty cool!

But then you realize that you're dead. And not just merely dead, either. You're really most sincerely dead. That's as dead as you can get. You're deader than if a house had fallen on you. This dead deal is forever pal; there's no waking up in the morning. And that's when it FINALLY occurs to you: Eternity is a v-e-r-y long time, and you've only got 72 virgins to get you through it!!!

Now don't you feel dumb!

Think about it, folks: What happens after you've used up your virgins? Is it just you and Rosie forever and ever? And will you at least have Maxim to help you along? There are entirely too unanswered questions about this whole process.

But hey, if Moqtada wants to go out there himself and blow himself up, THEN I'll be impressed.

Well, gotta run. I need to back in my cell by 6:00. That's when the guards come by and urinate on us.