Monday, July 05, 2004

Good news. Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi has a daughter who is a law professor, and she is joining my legal team. Actually, Aicha Moammar Gadhafi be heading up an entire team of Libyan legal experts. So I'm feeling pretty good about my prospects.

Besides, I've been working on my legal strategy myself. No, no. No silly law books for me. I don't need to waste my time reading up on obscure international treaties and statutes forbidding genocide and the slaughter of defenseless civilians.

You see, back in the '80s, when the United States and I were all lovey-dovey, their state department used to send me tapes of my favorite infidel TV shows. And among those was LA Law. Why, I'll bet I've seen each episode a dozen times! And that's in addition to watching the satellite feeds of the O.J. Simpson trial.

My point is that I'm very familiar with American rules of evidence, and the whole concept of illegal search and seizure. Such technicalities get entire cases thrown out of court regardless of whatever the evidence itself is. In other words, if the evidence was obtained improperly, or without the proper search warrants, you get to walk away!

Yeah, it's f*cked up, ain't it?

Anyway, let's look at the particulars of my situation. The invasion of my sovereign nation was based on three main points: One, I had vast quantities of weapons of mass destruction. Two, I had ties to Al Qaeda and was somehow involved in 9-11. Three, I was an imminent threat to the United States. And it was that invasion, justified by those three points, that led to my arrest.

However, it turns out that: One, I no longer had any WMD's. Two, I had no ties to Al Qaeda. Indeed, there were no frikkin' terrorists in Iraq till the Unites States invaded with insufficient troops to properly secure my borders. And three, what imminent threat? Even if it had turned out I had big, mean, nasty WMD's, how would I have delivered them to the United States? By FedEx? UPS? Paper airplanes? What? My Air Force was buried out in the desert, remember?

Therefore, with the reasons for my invasion being unfounded, it goes without saying that it was illegally conducted, and that I have been wrongly detained for the last seven months!!

(Sniff! Sniff!) I smell a lawsuit for wrongful arrest.