I understand America always celebrates its independence with fireworks. Well, that's all fine and well by me.

But I do have to object when those fireworks propagate unfair stereotypes to further support the criminal invasion of my country. I speak, of course, of these Exploding Terrorists Heads brand pyrotechnics. They are absolutely outrageous!!!

Now if the Americans want to blow up Moammar, that's fine. He's long supported terrorists, and he has all but admitted to be responsible for the loss of Pan Am 103. Just be sure to leave his daughter out of this, as she's one of my lawyers.

Yasser Arafat? Oh, absolutely! Big time backer of terrorists! Blow him up, too!

Bin Laden? Hell, if you look up the word "terrorist" in the dictionary, his picture is right there next to the word. He is like the "uber terrorist." So yeah, blow him up all you like.

But me? How many times do I have to tell you people I'm NOT a frikkin' terrorist!!! And I don't have any "working relationships" with Al Qaeda!!! So leave me out of it! And will someone PLEASE tell Dick Cheney, too.

Now if you want to create an "Exploding Despots Heads" package of fireworks, fine, knock yourselves out. I have no objection to that, for it would be an accurate representation of my lifestyle. Or an "Exploding Tyrants Heads" line of sparklers would be fine, too. Or even an "Exploding Boodthirsty Ruthless Tyrants Who Slaughter Their Own People Heads" six pack of bottle rockets would be acceptable.

Just keep in mind that I'm registering these brand names and you'll owe me royalties.