Normally it pleases me when my many supporters throughout the world demonstrate on my behalf. Indeed, nothing warms the cockles of my heart more than hearing thousands of protesters chanting anti-American slogans in the streets of some European capital. And it positively brings a tear to my eye when some hooded anarchist burns the US flag. And the irony of it all just fills my heart with, um, well, irony. If any of these people had ever tried protesting against my regime in Iraq, they'd have ended up in Abu Ghraib faster than you can say "Death to the Great Satan and all the evil it represents, but we love those Air Jordan sneakers and Nike t-shirts!"

And keep in mind that when I ran that place, we engaged in only serious, classic torture. You know, stuff like pulling out fingernails with pliers, delivering electric shocks to prisoner's manly parts, etc. None of this gay porn crap the Americans were into. What the hell kind of movies do the infidels watch to come up with those kind of ideas? That's just sick.

---------------Mike Peters, Dayton Daily News

Anyway, my point is that I appreciate the gestures of support. However, I am finding the recent reports out of Greece somewhat disturbing. Apparently large groups of demonstrators have caused Colin Powell to cancel plans to attend the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.

Now I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but KNOCK IT OFF!!!!! Why are you protesting against Colin Powell? He is the only person in the Bush administration with a lick of common sense! He warned Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld that an occupation of Iraq would quickly turn ugly. But did they listen to him? No, of course not. Because those three had already made up their minds and didn't want to hear from anyone who disagreed with their rosy assessments of the future.

Granted, Powell did go before the United Nations and accuse me of some very nasty crimes, but that's okay. I'm sure he was forced to do that because President Cheney was threatening to ship Mrs. Powell and the kids off to Guantanomo Bay. I know from personal experience that nothing motivates reluctant cabinet ministers more than threats against their families.

But I can certainly understand the urge to vent frustration against America, so do what I do: Find yourselves a high quality Xerox machine--Oh, wait.... Is the term "Xerox" trademarked? Probably is, and I certainly wouldn't want to get myself into legal trouble....

So Find yourselves a high quality generic COPIER (Canon makes the best ones (HAHAHA)), drop your pants, sit on the machine, and make a quality image (spring for full color if you can afford it) of your hairy pimple-ridden tuckus. Then fax that to the White House.

And just for laughs, sign it Texas Guard Veterans for Truth.