Monday, September 27, 2004

I'm introducing a new, periodic feature in which I will take selected comments and answer them in my posts. It will appear on a somewhat irregular basis, perhaps every week or two. Then again, I may also decide to discontinue it entirely. Who knows? You see, that's one of the great things about being a dictator: I can do whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want to whomever the hell I want!!!! Assuming it's okay with the guards, that is.

I've been debating what to call it. One possibility I considered was "Saddam's Mailbag," but the comments aren't really mail. And Allah only knows I certainly wouldn't want to do anything deceptive or misleading!!!

Then I thought of "Dear Saddam," but I didn't want it to sound like some sort of fruity advice column.

At thst point I went back to the drawing board and decided to name the column after what I do best. So without further ado, here's the first installment of:

Mock the Infidels

* Reader Tung Yin writes: "Hey Saddam, what kind of crap is this news story, er, propaganda that I've read: "CAIRO (AFP) - Toppled Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is miserable sitting in a jail cell awaiting trial on charges of crimes against humanity and has begged for mercy, Iraqi Prime Minister Iyad Allawi said in an interview." What do you plan to do about this sort of calumny?"

Well, Mr. Yin, the first thing I plan to do is look up the word "calumny." And haven't I warned you previously about using big words around me? Have you already forgotten the lesson I taught you? Or are you merely bored and you actually want electrodes hooked up to your naughty bits?

cal·um·ny: 1) A false statement maliciously made to injure another's reputation. 2) The utterance of maliciously false statements; slander.

Ah, now I understand! Basically, you're asking me if Allawi is a lying sack of camel crap!! Well, I'm just going to follow John Kerry's example and not do ANYTHING while others say slanderous things about me. Mr. Allawi also insists that things are going swimmingly well in Iraq, so I'll let his credibility speak for itself.

* Another reader, Joe, wrote in response to the Sept 20 entry: "get a life you immature losers. funny how you complain about Bush, yet you emulate a person who has killed millions of his own. and as for the discovery of AMD's, where is your mention of Mustard Gas, and Rican, both of which are banned as AMD's. These are gasses used to kill people, and gases that he (saddam) tested on the kurds(his own people). where do you obnoxious little sh*t-weasels get off? chances are that you will delete this post anyway, kinda funny how you will defend someone who has called for the death of all Americans, yet you will not allow free speach to reign free on your own website. please, put your tinfoil hat back on, continue blaming the "Eevil" Chenney-Haliburton-Bush-Rove" death squads for everything. if you care to stand up for this stuff that you beleive in, please feel free to email me. but try useing facts in your arguments. i have read your aimless spew here, and don't need an email full of it."

First of all, let me say that I admire your command of the English language, Joe. It's almost as good as President Bush's! Your inability to master the proper use of capital letters, as well as your heavy reliance on misspelled words certainly says a lot about your intellectual capacity!! Have you thought about trying out for Jeopardy!? On second thought, maybe you better not. You'd only end up owing Alex Trebeck money.

Had you taken the time to peruse the rest of this site, you would have seen that I have often spoken with great pride of gasing Kurds and Shiites. I have never denied using such substances in the past; the question that needs to be asked is whether I still have them. After all, that was one of the initial reasons for the invasion of my country. All that crap about creating a free and democratic Iraq only started AFTER the search for WMD's came up empty.

Oh, and I have not killed "millions" of my own people. That is an outrageous, baldfaced lie!! Who told you that crap anyway? The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth?

At last count it was only 999,354.

* Finally, Danny the Infidel asks: Has the first edition of 'Car Bombs for Dummies' reached the Baghdad book stores yet?

Yes, but the delivery truck blew up before it could be unloaded.