I am faced with a most vexing dilemma tonight....

At 3:20 A.M. the Boston Red Sox go up against the New York Yankees in game seven of the Infidel League Championship Series. Now I'm not generally a baseball fan, but I do despise the Yankees because of the way they constantly vanquish much weaker foes. So nothing would give me greater joy than to see them vanquished by the BoSox.

A few days ago it seemed like Boston was finished, but they became the first team in MLB history to win three straight playoff games after being down 0-3 in a series. If they can win tonight, it will give me hope that I can yet win this current conflict I'm currently engaged in with the United States.

But here's the problem: My favorite TV show, "Lost," comes on at 3:00! Now if I still had my TiVo, this wouldn't be a problem. I'd record "Lost," then go back and watch it after the game.... Assuming, of course, I haven't smashed my TV into tiny little pieces because the Yankees won. But unfortunately the Americans confiscated the TiVo back when I was captured, and I haven't seen it since. I requested a new one from the Red Cross the last time they checked up on me, but I fear the aid worker was kidnapped before he could get back to the Green Zone with the paperwork.

Damned insurgency....

Anyway, if you're not familiar with "Lost," it's about a group of plane crash survivors stranded on a deserted island. I find myself fascinated by the way they are gradually filling in the backstories of the various passengers through flashbacks.

Did you see the one a couple of weeks ago where the kid got his dog back? I don't mind telling you that I bawled like a baby! But don't tell anyone or I'll have torture you. Got that?

The character I'm most interested in is a guy named Sayid. He claims to be a former member of my Republican Guard, but damned if I remember seeing him around. Then again, most of us look alike, so who knows?

My least favorite character is the Korean guy. He constantly seems to be bossing his 'wife' around, and just appears to be a general all-around prick. I'm hoping he gets eaten soon.

And getting eaten is a very real concern on this island. There's some sort of mysterious creature in the woods. No one has yet seen it, but the survivors can hear its growls, and see entire trees swaying as it stalks them. I'm not sure, but I'm guessing that it will turn out to be some sort of distant evolutionary cousin of Iraq's own legendary Camelman.