I have long maintained that the Iraqi people are kind of stupid and secretly crave for a despot to rule them. If any of you have ever doubted me on this point, you need only look at yesterday's election results to see that I'm right.

Despite the constant risk of instant or near-instant death from snipers, exploding cars, suicide bombers, kidnappers, terrorists, crashing helicopters, friendly fire incidents, scorpions, tarantulas, rabid camels, and the stench of decaying corpses littering the streets, 60% of my citizens turned out to vote. Can you believe THAT!?!?! All they had to do was stay at home behind their locked doors, and everything would have been fine. But instead of playing it safe, 60% of Iraqis ventured out, risking life and limb, to vote.

It's just plain embarrassing. Makes me ashamed to admit I used to rule these fools. Seriously: What the hell were they thinking? Didn't they have any idea how dangerous it was to leave home?

All I can think of is that these people were so eager to see me return to power that they wanted to rush down to their local polling places and vote for me!! Yes, that must be it! It's the only possible logical explanation!

It's truly wonderful to be so beloved by your citizens.... (sniff!)