Many of you have no doubt been asking yourselves, Hey Saddam, what did you think of that tsunami? We would ask you in person, but we're afraid we would get blown up on the way to visit you.

Let me first say that I can understand your concerns. It's not safe out there any more, and your blithering cowardice makes me want to heave my guts in the safety of my prison cell. Beyond that, I'm of course opposed to tsunamis of mass destruction.

Now don't get me wrong: It's not that I don't like the death and mayhem they unleash in their path. In fact, I'm rather jealous of them in that regard! Do you have any idea how many Shiites a properly directed tidal wave could kill? Too bad we live in a frikkin' desert.

Nor does the financial cost of its devastation concern me. I am confident that if such a calamity had befallen Iraq when I was in power, the world would have put aside its differences with me, and provided my country with billions and billions of dollars in aid.... Most of which I would have then pocketed for myself.

No, what I am most concerned about is that this stupid tsunami has pushed Iraq off the front pages of the world's newspapers.