Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Monday, February 27, 2006

Well, the Olympics have finally wrapped up. I followed the games pretty closely, which really shouldn't surprise anyone. After all, I've had a lot of free time on my hands lately.

The only complaint I really have is about the cheerleaders. At first I couldn't figure why I was so disappointed in them, and then it finally dawned on me: They're wearing w-a-a-y to many clothes! I mean, if you're going to get a crowd worked up, you have to show some skin, for crying out loud! With all the stuff these women were wearing, they'd almost have been acceptable to Osama.... Or at least I think they would have been acceptable to him. I don't really know for sure since we haven't discussed it. After all, we have no meaningful ties.

On the other hand, my favorite story to com out of these games was the American skier Bode Miller. He went to Turin with a really cocky attitude, acting like he was some sort of hot shit who was going to show everyone how great he is. So what happens? He screws up most of his runs and ends up winning zero medals. But is he humbled by his repeated failures? Does he apologize for disappointing his fans? No, of course not. In fact, he ends up telling a reporter "I'm comfortable with what I've accomplished."

Kind of sounds like Bush, doesn't he?

I also loved that little soap opera between the Italian dancers, Barbara Fusar Poli and Maurizio Margaglio. In case you missed what was arguably the most memorable moment in these Olympics, the two had almost finished their routine when Margaglio slipped and sent Poli sliding across the ice. The mistake cost them dearly in terms of points from the judges. But the best part was yet to come as the woman started staring daggers at the poor guy. In fact, the temperature in the entire arena dropped by seven degrees.

Even the next night, as they were getting ready to go back out on the ice, the two could be seen not speaking to one another. As I'm sure Margaglio learned the hard way, it's never a good idea to piss off a woman.

My favorite part of the Winter Olympics has always been the women's figure skating competition. No, it's not that I'm into ice skating, you idiot. It's those little skimpy outfits they wear, with their skirts flying up, and their butts hanging out as they glide backwards across the ice! Little Saddam always quadruples in size when watching that.

Anyway, I've decided that once I return to power, I'm going to launch a bid for Iraq to host the 2014 winter games. Granted, we don't get a whole lot of snow around here, but sand will work almost as well. Oh, and you don't have to worry about sand melting in these times of global warming.

I know that NBC was disappointed with the ratings for the Olympics. Apparently many Americans just weren't that interested. But I already have a great idea to make Iraq's 2014 games the most watched in history: I'm going to add a lesbian ice dancing competition! Every guy in the world--except for those two that keep sneaking up Brokeback Mountain--will want to tune in for that!! And these will be good-looking lesbians, the kind that actually look like women and even shave their armpits!

And if this idea doesn't get me out of jail, I don't know what will.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Former Pentagon spokesbabe Torie Clarke has written a book, "Lipstick on a Pig." Basically the book says that if you have bad news, get it out in the open right away and be done with it. If you try to hide it, or sugarcoat it, or give it a positive spin, you're only going to make things worse for yourself in the long run.

Anyway, in her book she quotes Rumsfeld as saying only hours after the 9/11 attacks that "his instinct was to hit Saddam Hussein at the same time -- not only Bin Ladin." This is just further proof that the bush people have had it in for me all along, regardless of whether or not I was a threat.

It's no fun being framed. Just ask O.J.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

That's odd. I just received an invitation to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Askariya shrine has in Samarra has long been considered one of the holiest sites in Shiite Islam. Er, make that HAD been, since some insurgents kind of, well, blew the place up yesterday. Needless to say, Shiites throughout Iraq are royally pissed off about the incident, and have attacked and set fire to dozens of Sunni mosques in retaliation. And while the initial blast caused no casualties, at least 19 Sunnis have been killed by Shiites out for revenge.

Of course, the retaliatory strikes are only going to serve to piss off the Sunnis, who in turn will seek revenge of their own. That, in turn, will piss off even more Shiites, and pretty soon you've got a never ending cycle of violence, and a hell of a lot of piss. Everyone ends up blaming everyone else, and soon no one even remembers what initially touched off the fighting.

The question then is not whether or not there will recriminations, but rather how much longer the killing will go on. And the answer, quite frankly, is that the killing will go on until everyone is dead. And as long as the women on each side keep giving birth, that could be a very long time indeed.

Beautiful, ain't it?

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

On numerous occasions in the past I have talked about why despotism is superior to democracy. Tonight I would like to revisit the topic since I have just discovered yet another reason: Darwinism.

Yes, despotism is all about survival of the fittest. And when you have a totalitarian form of government, the smartest, most ruthless, and shrewdest individuals will naturally rise to power. Iraq and myself are the perfect example of this. When I was in charge, Iraq was a functioning nation. But when the stinkin' infidels showed up, its ecosystem was severely disrupted, I fell from power and the country went straight down the toilet.

In a democracy, on the other hand, any idiot can get himself elected President. A perfect example of that is.... Well, do I really need to say it?

I mean, have you heard about what Bush is proposing now!?!?! He wants to turn control of two of America's biggest ports over to a company controlled by the United Arab Emirates! Forget the damn Olympic athletes; Bush is the one who needs to be tested for drugs!

Some of his countrymen are understandably upset by this proposal and are questioning its wisdom. The President, of course, is defending his idea. He points out a British company used to manage those ports, and says that his opponents need "to step up and explain why a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard."

Well, um, perhaps because the British are military allies of the United States; because they speak the same language; because they and the Americans share similar values; because none of the 9-11 hijackers spoke with a British accent; and because English companies don't run the risk of being infiltrated by a bunch of religious fanatics. Need I go on?

When I read this story, I had to shake my head in disbelief. It's not that I really care if the Americans shoot themselves in the foot. And heaven forbid I should go meddling in a sovereign nation's internal affairs.

My problem with all this, quite frankly, is that I'm embarrassed and ashamed: I can't believe this idiot actually managed to beat me.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Sunday, February 19, 2006

One thing that has been lost in all the fuss about those Muhammad cartoons is that more photos (you'll find links to a slideshow and the original Australian TV report near the top of that link) from Abu Ghraib have made it out into the open. It should be pointed out that these were taken about the same time as the ones from two years ago. We were even warned back then that were more pictures that had not been releases.

Some of them are quite disturbing, and I won't post them here. Unlike the cartoons--which I did publish--these photos are real life and not the work of some stupid artist.... On the other hand, I've always considered torture to be an art form, so in that sense these images are comparable to the works of Rembrandt or da Vinci. To be honest, some of them make me quite jealous.

But don't worry. I've been taking notes.

Now it's Nigeria that has suffered riots because of the Muhammad cartoons. Sixteen people have died there.

If nothing else, these protests are providing the world with an excellent geography lesson.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

What is it with Libya? Are those people a little slow on the uptake, or what? The rest of the Muslim world has been rioting, killing, burning, destroying, and creating an all-around nuisance of itself for the last two weeks, and the Libyans have only now joined the party?

Well, better late than never, I always say. At least when they did decide to finally show up for the festivities, they did so with style: Nine dead outside the Italian Consulate in some city I've never heard of.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Some time ago I joined Netflix, and initially I was quite happy with the results. After watching, say, "Guerrillas in the Mist," I'd stick it in the mail and within two days I would receive my next movie. But then after a while I began to notice that the turnaround time was increasing. I had blamed the lag on poor mail service, which seemed to make sense. After all, if the stupid infidels can't keep the electricity on, how can they possibly be expected to deliver the mail in a timely fashion, especially when insurgents keep kidnapping and beheading the mailman?

But now I have come to find out that the sudden sub-standard service is no accident. It's actually a very deliberate ploy by the people at Netflix called "throttling." They will do that with people who watch their movies too quickly. You see, the faster you watch your movies and return them, the more movies they have to send out to you every month. And since the postage costs them 78 cents per DVD, overly active accounts can start eating into their profit margins. So what do those weasels at Netflix do? They increase the turn around time on their movies. That way you end up watching fewer movies, and they end up paying less in postage!

Turns out that's what happened to me. Especially since I kept boycotting my trial so often, I was finding myself with a lot of spare time to watch movies. And since I was getting the discs back in the mail literally within hours of receiving them, Netflix decided to "throttle" me. And believe me, I do NOT enjoy being throttled. In fact, the last guy who tried to throttle me in the shower ended up impaled on a bathroom fixture.

When I take over the United States under the terms of my out of court settlement for wrongful invasion, my second order of business will be to march right over to Netflix headquarters and put a stop to this nonsense. If I'm going to pay $17.99 a month to have three movies out at any given time, they had better be prepared to live up to their end of the bargain. I shouldn't be penalized for watching too many movies.

Oh, you're wondering about my first order of business? Revoking Dick Cheney's hunting license. The guy's a menace to humanity.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

I have been conferring with my attorneys, and we have decided to try a new defense strategy in my trial. You know all the thousands of people I killed and all those villages I gassed?

Two words: Hunting accidents.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

My trial was back in session today, and once again they're trying to pin all sorts of ridiculous crap on me. Like those memos, supposedly in my handwriting, ordering the deaths of those people. I can not begin to tell you how disappointed I am that someone has forged those documents which I had ordered shredded! You just can't get good help these days....

But even if we assume for a moment that those documents are real, and that is actually my handwriting, what's the big deal? So what if I really did order the deaths of all those innocent people? What's the problem? The Americans have such a double standard.

Case in point: When Dick Cheney goes around shooting people, how come you don't see international tribunals putting him on trial?

Sunday, February 12, 2006

A former CIA official who was the national intelligence officer for the Near East and South Asia for five years has written a blistering article about the Bush administration. In the magazine Foreign Affairs Paul R. Pillar admits that while the agency was wrong on the issue of WMD's, that was not what led to the war. In fact, says Pillar,

"It has become clear that official intelligence was not relied on in making even the most significant national security decisions, that intelligence was misused publicly to justify decisions already made, that damaging ill will developed between [Bush] policymakers and intelligence officers, and that the intelligence community's own work was politicized."

In other words, the administration didn't really care what the facts were. The war was going to happen no matter what.

In addition to "cheery-picking" bits that of intelligence that would justify an attack, Pillar also accuses Bush officials of "ignoring warnings that the country could easily fall into violence and chaos after an invasion to overthrow" little ol' me.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Well, I'm certainly honored! Some columnist at that great infidel rag, The Washington Post, quoted from my February 4 post:

At the satirical Saddam's Palace blog is this too-true statement: "religious wackos come in all denominations."

While I am flattered, I must question the writer's choice of the word "satirical." What does that word mean? After all, my command of the English language is almost as bad as President Bush's, so you'll have to excuse my ignorance. Is she somehow implying that I'm not actually the one writing this blog?

Let me once again reiterate that there is no truth to the rumor that I am actually a 15 year old junior varsity cheerleader in Poughkeepsie, New York. That story is nothing more than a deliberate falsehood perpetrated by the CIA in a pitiful attempt to discredit me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take my pom-poms out of the dryer.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Unbelievable as it may seem, Muslims are still pissed off by those stupid cartoons. People are even rioting in Afghanistan, with seven people dead in the last two days. Demonstrators have gone as far as to attack military bases to voice their anger. A NATO base in Maymana was attacked by a mob armed with guns and grenades. The soldiers on the other side of the fence apparently didn't appreciate that a whole lot and returned fire. Three people were killed and 22 were wounded.

Two thousand protesters--some of them armed--even tried the storm the country's main U.S. base at Bagram! The Americans shot back, and that pretty much ended that particular party.

I'm guessing that the people of Afghanistan have already forgotten that it was the westerners who rescued them from the Taliban. How's that for gratitude?

Monday, February 06, 2006

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Have you been following the story about the offensive and blasphemous cartoons about Mohammad? Pretty much the entire Muslim world has been thrown into a tizzy over them.

The whole thing started when some European newspapers reprinted the cartoons, most of which had appeared last summer in some Danish papers. When Muslims objected, even more newspapers reprinted them, if for no other reason except to piss off anyone who wasn't already pissed off!

And boy, have they succeeded! Schoolkids throughout the Islamic world are burning the flags of various European nations, and in Gaza City, masked Palestinian gunmen have surrounded the offices of the European union.

Personally, I think the whole thing is a hoot!! The western infidel newspapers are asserting their freedom of the press, while we Muslims are reinforcing westerners views of us as a bunch of religious crackpots. And while there may some truth to that, let me point out that you Christians have Pat Robertson on your side.

For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Robertson, he is a major televangelist--that's someone who convinces ignorant poor people that they have to send their money to televangelists in the first place or go to hell--in the United States. Last year he called for the assassination of Venezuela's President, Hugo Chavez (Hmmm.... A Christian advocating someone be killed?) Then he later predicted that the town of Dover, Pennsylvania would suffer his God's wrath for rejecting its pro intelligent design school board in favor of one that advocates that actual science should be taught in science classes.

My point is simply that religious wackos come in all denominations.... Which means, I guess, that the only sane people in this world are atheists.

Anyway, as a public service, I am providing you, my stinkin' infidel readers, with three of the cartoons. If you'd like to see the rest of them as well, click here.

Thanks to Danny for providing the link to the cartoons. Have a virgin on me, Danny.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Well, once again my trial is on hold. So what else is new, right? Like I've said, at this rate it won't end until 2015 at the earliest. And what these clowns haven't figured out yet is that the more they delay the proceedings because of my antics, the more it encourages me to act up even more!!!! I'm like a little kid who craves being the center of attention....

Well, except that most little kids aren't on trial for gassing entire villages.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

The United States preaches that "freedom of speech" stuff, but I guess that only applies to other countries.

For example, Cindy Sheehan showed up for President Bush's State of the Union address the other night wearing a t-shirt that said "2,245 Dead. How Many More?" Her fashion statement not only got her removed from the building, but arrested as well.

Then a little later, a Republican congressman's wife was also asked to leave, but she was wearing a "Support the Troops" shirt. Police justified their actions on the basis that it's only fair. Well, I suppose that's true, in a dictatorial police state sort of way. After all, IF you're going to oppress an anti-war protestor, then you really should oppress the pro-war protestor as well.

But then the next day the husband of the woman got involved and condemned the officers' actions for ordering his wife to leave, yet in the same breath said they were right to arrest Sheehan.

Well, I'm confused. How can you allow one but not the other? Is freedom of speech a pick and choose kind of thing?