Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Angela, probably an infidel, writes:

Dear Saddam:

Larry King on CNN just told me that you and your 2 boys are dead. Is this true? If so, did you get your virgins? Will you still be able to blog from hell? Is Kim Jong il going to make you give back the Blackberry?

All good questions, Angela. Since things seem to be quiet at the moment, I shall lower myself to your level and answer them.

First, don't believe everything Larry King tells you. In fact, don't believe ANYTHING anyone wearing suspenders ever tells you. There is something wrong with people like that. Especially if they also wear a belt. That just ain't right. Though they pretend to be meek and mild-mannered, they are actually perverts.

Now, as to my sons.... I haven't seen Qusai in few days, but Uday is fine. I have most of his parts in a wheelbarrow that I push around at all times.

I shall keep blogging until someone proves to me that I have been dead for the last three weeks. Then I will have my loyal Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, come up with some outlandish explanation as to how I have managed to keep blogging from the afterlife. Al-Jazeera will immediately report this, and of course the entire Arab world will immediately believe it. Meanwhile, you and that suspender wearing pervert on CNN will just roll your eyes in disbelief.

Kim Jong Il can have his stupid Blackberry back if he wants. I'm about ready to shoot the damn thing. It doesn't want to post properly, though I may it try one more time.

As to the 72 virgins, no, not yet. I'm not dead. And while I know Osama is big on them, I fail to see the appeal. They're virgins, so of course you have to explain what goes where, and what to do, and so forth. Plus, if they're foreign virgins, I would have teach them how to say "YOU'RE MY DADDY" in Arabic in order to answer my oft repeated question.

Then I would have to repeat the whole process another 71 times.

And then what happens after I've used up my virgins? I mean, okay, I've accounted for my first eight minutes in paradise, but what about the rest of eternity?

Forever is a very long time to be stuck with a goat.