Saturday, July 12, 2003

A Day in the Life of a Desperate Despot

Some of you are no doubt wondering how a world renown despot spends a typical day on the run. As any good manager/brutal dictator will tell you, the key to success is organizational skills. And public executions don't hurt either, but that's besides the point.

Being that I'm in a good mood, I have decided to share with you an account of my day.

05:00 AM-----Alarm clock goes off. I empty entire clip into it.

05:30 ---------Second alarm clock goes off. I shoot it. Twice. With a rocket propelled grenade launcher.

06:00---------I get up.

06:01-06:25--Take a piss.

06:26---------Elude capture.

06:27-07:00--Trim mustache.

07:01---------Consider taking shower. Remember I took one just last week. Pass on shower.

07:02-----------Elude capture.

07:03-07:45--The breakfast of despots: Grits, chitlins, and scrambled babies.

07:46-08:33--Meet with surviving top aids to coordinate the day's harassing attacks against the illegal infidel interlopers.

08:34----------Elude capture.

08:35-08:36--Work up a sweat in the gym so that I can maintain this svelte physique that the chicks really dig.

08:37-09:09--Polish Uday's eyeball.

09:10----------Try to shoot aid for asking why I keep that gross eyeball on my desk but gun is empty. Ask aid to get me more bullets so I can execute his sorry ass.

09:11-09:28--Finish polishing eyeball.

09:29----------Elude capture.

09:30----------Decide to check today's email.

09:31-10:47--Delete today's spam.

10:48-10:50--Answer remaining email. Forward great joke about farmer's daughter, travelling Christian missionary, and confused camel to Yasser Arafat.

10:51-11:23--Trim mustache.

11:24-11:59--Take a piss.

Noon-----------Elude capture.

12:01 PM------Remember to put Little Saddam away & close barn door.

12:02-12:40--Meet with Sid Goldstein, my agent, to go over terms of new recording contract with Al-Jazeera. Sid recommends holding out for more money.

12:41----------Realize that if nothing else, Jews make great agents.

12:42-01:17--Working lunch with French government officials. Um, I mean French TOURISTS.... OFFICIAL French tourists.... Official French Tourists from France. Yeah, that's what I meant.

01:18-----------Lunch briefly interrupted when Randall Simon runs into room and inexplicably starts to beat my sausage with a baseball bat. Try to shoot him; gun still empty. Damn.

01:19-01:57--Finish what's let of lunch.

01:58-----------Elude capture.

01:59-----------Elude capture. Make funny faces at pursuers.

02:00-02:47--Take a piss.

02:48----------Call my doctor to get prostate checked.

02:49-03:28--Take inventory of remaining supplies of rocket propelled grenades. Fax order for new supply to Jacques Chirac.

03:29----------Elude capture. I taunt my pursuers.

03:30----------Realize that aid from this morning never came back with more bullets. Note to self: Shoot him twice.

03:31-04:01--Trim mustache.

04:02----------Urologist calls back to cancel appointment. His office has been looted of rubber gloves.

04:03----------Snotnosed kid from mailroom shows up with package from Suspect kid may be a CIA spy, so I decide to shoot him.

04:04----------Damn. Still out of bullets.

04:05----------Open package. The movie is Bound. Osama recommended it. Said it's perfect example of the decadence that pervades the west. Said he watches it at least once a week, especially chapters 7 & 9.

04:06----------Elude capture. Drop pants and moon pursuers.

04:07-04:57--Conduct cabinet meeting. Am only one in room. Could be bad sign. Not sure.

04:58----------Bored, I elude capture.

04:59-05:23--Have sex.

05:24----------Farmer shows up. Wants goat back.

05:25----------Receive IM from that crazy Korean, Kim Il Whathisface. Not sure what it says. Can't read Korean.

05:26-05:50--Trim mustache.

05:51-06:27--Take a piss.

06:28-06:59--Go out to Kentucky Fried Camel. Can't fit tank through stupid drive-thru so have to go inside. Order bucket of camel wings.

07:00-07:53--Eat wings. Begin watching Bound.

07:54---------Pause movie. Elude capture. Resume movie.

09:01---------Finish watching movie.

09:02-10:00--Watch chapters 7 & 9 over & over till my wrist hurts.

10-00-10:45--Update blog before turning in.


10:46-11:14--Trim mustache.

11:15---------Elude capture.

11:16---------Go to bed. Fall asleep to Dixie Chicks CD.