Loyal reader and devoted follower Tung Yin, who still lives in his parents' basement with his collection of 1537 Star Trek dolls, er, "action figures," including all 22 versions of Captain Picard as Locutus of Borg, writes:

"Saddam, did you ever watch the old "Star Trek" series? I remember this episode ("A Taste of Armageddon") where Kirk and Spock were locked up in some room, with a guard outside. Spock used his mental powers to make the guard think something was wrong, the guard came in, and Kirk knocked him out.
Surely you have such mental powers, too. Can you effect an escape?"

Well, yes, of course I have such mental powers. Why do you think they still haven't found my weapons of mass destruction, you ninny!?! Surely you don't believe my repeated denials of their existence, do you? I mean, we've known each other how long now, and you still trust me!?! What the hell's wrong with you?!?

Remind me to sell you my Chevy Vega.

The fact is I don't want to escape. I'm quite comfortable in here; certainly much more so than I was curled up in the backseat of the aforementioned Vega. I get three squares day and the occasional conjugal visits from rabid America hating babes such as the Dixie Chicks, Barbara Streisand, and Susan Sarandon. In fact, there was one time when, due to a scheduling snafu (you know how the US military is) all five of them showed up at the same time. Needless to say, it got quite crowded on this single cot. And you know how that Sarandon chick is: She just does not like to share!

And while they won't let me have a computer, I've nonetheless been able to get around that little restriction by climbing through the ceiling to General Abizaid's office and logging on to the internet there.

My only real complaint is the limited choices of television channels. For example, not only do I not have HBO (and The Sopranos just started its fifth season!!), but I don't have the Sci-Fi Channel either!!! Now HBO I can understand. After all, it's a premium channel, and this little conflict is costing the United States a fortune. But the Sci-Fi Channel!!!! Gimme a break!!! That's a basic cable channel, for Allah's sakes!!! Rest assured I will raise this issue with the Red Cross the next time they pay me a visit.

So I'll just enjoy my "vacation" for now and bide my time till after the election. I'm confident that the short fella--Dennis Kucinich, I think his name is--will win. He's already promised to pull the American troops out of my country if elected. At that point I'll be released and go back to the business of running Iraq and plundering its wealth. Plus, I figure I'll have a healthy sized court settlement coming to me from the "unlawful imprisonment" lawsuit I plan to file against the United States.

Oops, gotta go. Guard's coming!