Longtime readers will know that I'm not a sentimental kind of guy. In fact, if there's one thing I detest more than Kurds and Shiites, it's sappy, overly sentimental stories.

Nonetheless, I recognize that some of you weenies may enjoy such worthless drivel. Therefore I thought I would share an article about something that happened during Bush's State of the Union address the other evening.

Now if any of you women readers want to cry, fine. Go ahead. But if I catch any of you guy readers with so much as a tear in your eye, rest assured I will personally rip the testicles from your body. Real men don't cry, so if you do start sobbing like a girl, it will be obvious that you have no use for balls.

So here's the story: Seated next to Laura Bush during the speech was Janet Norwood, who recently lost a son in Iraq. And seated behind her was some Iraqi chick named Safia al-Souhail. Now some of you may wonder why Safia was there. Well, apparently I killed her father a few year's ago. And the Bush people, desperate to justify their invasion of Iraq, decided to trot her out onto national TV.

Did I kill her father? Hell, I don't know. It's not like I kept track of all the people I had killed. After all, I was busy running a country--a country free of all WMD's, I might add--so it's not like I could be expected to keep track of such mundane details as the names of people I had put to death. I mean, if we had to fill out a damn form every time we executed someone, we'd never have had time to oppress the masses.

Needless to say, at some key moment, the two women--one who lost her father, and another who lost her son--decided to hug.... And my own public approval ratings suddenly went in the toilet.